Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Hopping Mad

Rabbits as a whole gathered in mass outside the Kremlin last Thursday morning under a shower of dusty white snowflakes. The atmosphere was charged with the concerned outrage they felt over an issue which could affect the world as a whole. Your correspondent was there to get the complete story and make certain that the rabbit end of this tale would be put on record, for we all know how often the family Leporidae goes unnoticed, or worse, misrepresented.
Most of us are all familiar with the cartoons of the 20th century in which they are depicted as callous trouble makers, wiseacring harbingers of doom, always moving the kiddy pool when some gentleman dives off of a 20 foot high board so that he plants his shinny bald head directly into the bosom of old mother earth and looses a tooth or two rather than completing that perfect swan dive.
I am here to tell you that not all bunnies are so mischievous or unreasonable. For the most part they are not all that unlike ourselves in that their main concern is that they get to chew the morning clover and hump the misses a few times before dawn breaks over the glen. They want clean water and fresh air and good schools for their children just like the rest of us. A few have even made the acquaintances of old European royalty. That should at least say something about the dignified air with which they carry themselves. You will also find that they are a remarkably punctual lot, obsessed with arriving on time for important dates, a quality sadly lacking in most humans today, wandering in, as they do, ten or fifteen minutes late to punch in at work or to catch a summer block buster at the cinema.
These fine floppy eared creatures had come together before the Kremlin to call that some action be taken in preventing the Japanese government from genetically engineering the worlds largest monster bunny, a plan that was set in motion early last May when world renowned scientist Ishi Hiosami announced that the necessary breakthrough had been made. Long has the population of Japan longed for a weapon superior to any possessed in the west. Long have they dreamed of a mammoth animal protector of their nation, a real life Mothra to protect them from the corrupt world beyond their islands borders. Hiosami revealed that the construction of such a protector was now possible due to advances in the art of bio engineering in the past 3 years. The government was quick to respond to Hiosami’s claim and project "Bunniki" was launched shortly thereafter. An island the size of Rhode Island was constructed of plastic pop bottles covered with terra firma and the construction of the worlds largest genetics lab was begun last august. As the lab nears completion the rabbits, pikas and hares of the world are raising public outcry.
I spoke to a young rabbit wearing mittens and earmuffs, stamping to stave of the cold chill of the Russian winter.
"It’s monstrous." He said. "Just imagine it. Anyone that wants to use a Rabbit as a weapon of mass destruction is insane. It’s a crime against the order Lagomorpha."
I ask him,
"What about Japan’s claim that Bunniki is intended for defense only?"
"Bunni- whah?" he shakes his head, "Listen you have a rabbit that big you’re gonna be itching to use it. Forget how devastating a rabbit that size would be to the environment. This is, for us, really an issue of how criminal it is to make a rabbit into a monster. I mean, first of all, nobody asked us if it was okay to play in our genetic pool, now did they? They don’t have the right. And we are also afraid of the way this rabbit might be treated. I mean look at what they do to regular bunnies. Companies like SC Johnson and Gillette have been locking our people up and spraying shaving cream into our eyes for years now. I mean, our eyes are actually melted out by this stuff. What do you thinks gonna happen to this 200 hundred foot tall bunny? The world will take one look and launch a nuclear missile into his retina. Is that okay? I don’t think so."
Thanking him for his statement I introduce myself to an older female with rather small round ears that up to this point has been rousing the rabble by shouting through a megaphone.
"As a rabbit, what action do you hope the Russian government will take to stop Japan."
She glares at me and clears her throat.
"I’m a Pika actually."
"I’m sorry, what?" I ask confused.
"I said that I’m a Pika, not a rabbit. We’re on the endangered species list, which is probably why you don’t know what I am. You don’t need to know, your kind is about to usher us into extinction."
"I’m sorry" I stammer. Then regaining some measure of composure I clear my throat and ask, "Well, as a Pika, what is it that draws you to this issue?"
"Well, I think this is an issue that concerns everyone from the Lagomorpha order. It is important that we stick together because people have been torturing and slandering us for years. Do you know how many stuffed bunnies are sold in the US every spring? And we never see a penny of that. I mean if you make an Angelina Jolie doll you have to pay her for the right to use her image. But us, no, nobody ever thinks twice about doing whatever they want with us. Wear us in a jacket, make us into a stew, throw us in a cage, fiddle around with our genetic code to build a monster. Whatever you want. So we have to start somewhere, and this is an issue of epic proportions. Everyone knows that Japan is engineering a giant monster bunny. There’s a lot of publicity around this issue. So this is where we make our stand."
And stand they did, no more than a foot or two from the ground on their little hindquarters. Your correspondent was there, adrift in that fluffy sea of wrath. If this is what happens when you piss off a Pika or a jackrabbit, I’m not looking forward to seeing Bunniki get mad.

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